I Can Just Be Me

You know those points in your life where you are in the midst of so much uncertainty and confusion you feel like everything is just out of control? Well, I'm there now. I am asking myself so many questions about things beyond the "here and now," it feels like my life is spinning in directions I have yet to know. I feel such contentment for where I am right now with school and work and church. But a part of me craves more. A part of me questions every aspect of my future and says "where will you be a month from now? 3 months? A year? 3 years?" What does my life hold for me?

My senior year of high school, I thought I had my life planned out. I wanted to go to MSU and major in biology, then work on pre-med and become a pediatrician. It was my perfect plan. I loved science and kids and I could move away. But God had other plans. My heart was called to stay here. The blessings that have come from listening to my greater plan I don't have the room to write here. I decided to focus my work toward an AA degree, then transfer and continue my plan. Well, that didn't happen either. I took one communication class and was hooked. It made sense to me, and I loved learning about people. After all, I spent most of my time sitting in silence learning people. I took what I could and decided to finish out my AA degree, having no idea where or what I wanted to do after graduating, but I wanted to work with people and communication of some variety. Music or spoken, radio, newspaper, whatever it was, I just wanted to touch people's lives and make a difference.

I'm in the Interpreter Training Program (ITP) right now. How did I get here? Well, it took some convincing, several dreams, a lot of thought, many people questioning me, and a couple arguments with God about it. You see, my stepmother was an interpreter. I know just how small the deaf community is. I didn't want people to change the way they viewed me in the profession because of someone who shares my last name. I was a MUSIC MAJOR. I told myself I wanted to be a music teacher... The decision I had before me was one that would change the direction of my life, and it wasn't going to be easy to make. I made a list of "pros" and "cons" (which were actually represented by stars and sad faces instead), and prayed. A lot. And thought. And talked it out with people on both sides. And thought some more. And prayed even harder. And after, still, more dreams, I had made a decision.

I love where I am. My peers are lovely most of the time and I'm learning so much. I'm making friends I would not have been able to before and have mentors in people I never knew existed. I'm happy and the only person now doing any comparing of me is me. After this year, I will have one more year and then I graduate. After that...

Well, I don't know, really. I still want to work with people and make a difference in their lives. And I want to continue on and get a BA and Masters. In what, I have no clue. And where? Good question. I do know that I still want to go away, but with a different focus. And while I'm trying to control all of that, I will wear myself out by running around and pushing myself harder to get everything done so everything goes perfectly. Yeah, no. I have a greater God that can take care of making things work out. After all, I am only human. Nothing I do will make me perfect or come out perfectly. It's only by His hand that anything can compare to perfection. So, why do I spend my time stressing out about things I don't really have control over anyway? Because I'm human and think I can. Because I write my plans in pencil, but God holds an eraser and permanent marker. And believe me, I've tried arguing His plan. It doesn't work. I'm surprised I haven't wound up in the stomach of a fish yet, on my way to a place I don't want to go...

Kidding aside and with the topic of school, I've had people ask me, "why are you here? You're too smart to be here." Well, it felt right. And what business is it of yours anyway? You see, there's this stigma that being "super smart" you have to be in some crazy "intellectual" profession after graduating from some super University. An engineer from MIT, a doctor from Stanford, a physicist from Harvard. And here I am. At community college. Studying to be an interpreter. The world has no idea what its standards are. I'm slowly, but surely, having to come to grips with the fact that the profession I am studying right now might not be highly recognized or praised. But it's important. And it's DIFFICULT. And it's rewarding and beautiful and requires more mind power than I have yet to discover. My mind is special, yes. And it could be somewhere else doing something else right now. I've come to terms that I probably won't study at Oxford or Cambridge, and that's fine with me. That's not where God needs me right now. I've learned that when I follow His plan, my life makes more sense, my life is less stressed, and I can be content with just being me.

Just listen to this song and you'll see where I'm coming from:
"I Can Just Be Me" - Laura Story

Let Me Tell You About Me...

So, a while ago on facebook, a viral post went around that went a little something like this:
X number of facts about (person) that people might not know. Whoever liked the post would, then, be given a number. I kind of wanted to participate, but I didn't feel like sharing my life in that way. Kind of funny to me that I would choose here and now to share it, but here goes nothing:

1) I have been a member of Mensa since I was 7.

2) My middle name is Lee-Ann. It is spelled EXACTLY like that. Please get it right. And it is spelled as such because of my Grandfather. His name was Lee. I was born the day after his birthday, and it's quite fitting, since he and I are basically one in the same.

3) I started learning sign language when I was 9. I went to the school library and took out books on the subject. I guess it's fitting with where I am in school right now.

4) I'm sorry, but I don't like country music. It and rap are really the only two genres I don't willingly listen to. Rap for the message, country for the memories...

5) I love baking shows: Next Great Baker, Cupcake Wars, Ultimate Cake Off, The Taste. I'm pretty picky about the cake I eat. I love to cook and bake and enjoy watching shows and looking at food that is delicious. I just wish I was much more skilled.

6) My story is fairly unique and I tend to keep it secret because I don't want people to see me differently. I'm willing to tell people if they ask, but it might take me a little while to figure out just the right words.

7) The words I choose are meticulously thought out. People have judged me for my verbiage, but I would rather speak deliberately than just say words meaninglessly.

8) I would rather watch a documentary than a fictional movie. I'd rather read non-fiction books than fiction. I don't know why I don't like made-up stories. Maybe it's my unquenchable thirst for knowledge and learning that fiction books just can't even come close to satisfying...

So, I hope that gives you a little more of an idea of who I am... So, tell me about you!

Bonus fact:
9) My legal name is Rachel Lee-Ann Sprague, but I was given a sign name and I have an African namesake - Fatou Sarr.