Dear Grandpa, If I Could Tell You One More Thing...

A part of my world was lost with you,
why did you have to go?
Your sorrowful eyes speaking to mine,
saying more than I'll ever know.

A part of me went with you,
connected at the soul.
And though I may still be here,
my heart feels so cold.

Both mind and interest intertwined,
you understood my thoughts.
Now, though I think and analyze,
my mind is elsewhere, lost.

My world came crashing down
the day I said good-bye.
Though, I never used that word,
it was too hard to try.

I remember sharing parts of me
while sitting there with you.
And when I whispered, "I love you,"
you replied, "I love you, too."

Good-bye meant loosing parts of me
I've never been without.
I knew not how it felt 'til now,
I've finally figured out.

Grief took me by surprise that night,
the next day, again once more.
Inside myself dwelt an abyss,
emptiness to the core.

Here one day, but now you're gone,
I may never understand.
But I know I can't control it,
God has a bigger plan.

We sang a requiem for you
the day you went to rest.
Now you're free in heaven,
done with your earthly quest.

I'll miss you now and evermore,
hearts bound in likeness true.
If only I could say once more,
"Forever, I love you."

A Trip to the Park

I was never an artist. Not by the standards I grew up knowing "art" as. Hand me a pencil and I can write my name. That's about as much skill as I have with a writing utensil. But, if you give me a sheet of music or a camera, the term "artist" becomes everything I represent.

My friend and I took a trip to the greenhouse of a local park. I was inspired. When she first told me of her desire for adventure, my first (and only) question was, "can I bring my camera?" I craved satiating the negative energy I had pent up by exchanging it with creative energy. And that's just what I did.

Everyone has a story to tell. I love listening to other people's stories. I love venturing my curiosities into other cultures or lifestyles so I can see from a different perspective. I love being able to empower another to share their story. That's what this is for me.

You can call me crazy. I talk to flowers. But they talk back in ways that my camera can't capture. I can get pretty doggone close if you ask me, but to accurately portray the song of the petals and the dance of their aroma is beyond digital experience.

I don't know that I enjoy telling my story as much as I enjoy hearing others' stories. Which rings true for my position in relation to a lens. I tell my story if people ask, but no one usually does. I feel more natural being the listener than being the speaker. It's a good thing the world has so much to say.

The funny thing about being behind the lens is what you choose to see the beauty in. Some artists choose people, others choose places.

I love hearing stories. Real stories - I'm not really a fan of fiction. I think that's why I enjoy hearing about other people's lives. What they've been through, however big or small they may think it, is important. It's made them who they are today, so clearly it's valuable.

It's pretty common knowledge that without three essential things, flowers can't grow:

1) Soil

2) Water

3) Sunshine

Without soil, a flower has nothing to dig its roots into. It has no security, no belief it will be sustained. People need the same thing. Without security, assurance, consistency, people wither.

Water can provide life or death. The rain beats down, threatening the livelihood of survival of these fragile flowers. But without the rain, the flowers would die of thirst.

It seems a human necessity that we have struggles. We have storms of life. The rain beats us to the ground and we don't think we can get up. But we don't drown. We learn that the rain doesn't always have to destroy us - it can give us life and satiate our thirst. Sometimes, we don't even realize we're dehydrated until we take in that first gulp of humility.

Sunshine. It's finally spring and it's lovely to see the sun more often than grey clouds. I don't know about you, but when it's winter, I get really impatient for summer. I love the warmth. The sunshine is beautiful and comforting. It produces food and energy. But it can also scorch and steal away nutrients.

We need the sun, but we also need the rain. The good in our life is good for a while, but without some struggle, we could never grow.

Their colors are so incredibly unique. Even those that look similar can't ever be the same.

So it is with YOU. You can compare yourself to everyone else in the world, but no one will ever be as good of a "you" as you will. Stop comparing yourself, because you're ALL beautiful in your own special way. No one is more or less lovely than you.

The only perfect flowers are the ones that are made in a factory with polyester and plastic. Every real flower has a real struggle to survive, a time to grow, a point where they're at their most beautiful, and times when they feel a bit wilted.

But when you examine each one in a bunch, you'll find they all have their flaws, but when you put even the most different of them together, you can create something extravagantly beautiful.

People really aren't so different from flowers after all...

And this is Kacie. She's a Disney Princess. I'm not kidding. She's one of my favorite people. We met in choir my first year at SFCC. We've sung in Carnegie Hall, Grand Central Station, Pike Place Market, in the car, and various other locations... No big deal or anything.

"You have too many Simon Cowels in your personal judging panel."

It's a harsh truth. I know I'm my own worst critic. I just never realized quite what it all meant.

The other day after one of my classes, I had the worst anger. It was triggered by my own deficiency, but catalyzed by having light publicly shed on my disappointment. I had a bit of time before I had elsewhere to be and I knew I needed to calm down somehow or the rest of my day would fall apart. I walked into my teacher's office and asked if I could just sit. Most of what I was feeling was a struggle with my worth. I didn't realize how angry I was with myself until I sat down to let myself feel through it. I was hurt. My teacher continued to work as I sat there and simply thought about why and what I was feeling. Eventually, I had processed enough to want to talk about it.

Now, I've talked with this teacher about several things before. This particular topic has been no exception. We've discussed my insecurity, its source, and questioned why it exists. We've talked about everything from accepting "failure" to discerning my own value. Having someone completely honest who sees from an outside perspective is golden - if you don't have someone to do that for you, you need one. Or multiple. What I love about this teacher is the fact that she isn't afraid to tell me what I need to hear versus what I may be wanting to hear. She simply looked at me and told me, "You tend to be your own worst critic. But there only needs to be one Simon Cowel." Truth sometimes hurts. I have spent so much time focusing on what needs to be fixed that I don't have a voice that tells me what I do well.

So what about you? How many Simons do YOU have? I can guarantee you that if you're feeling a sting from that soul punch, you probably have one too many. Here's another question: from what or whom do you evaluate your worth? My answer came in the form of a circumstance - "this happened so this is my worth..." and "if this were different..." But let me tell you, if I continue to base my worth off what happened to me and how my life could've been different, my energy will be wasted. My situation may never change. So, what now?

Naturally, I started thinking about "what value do other people see in me? Why am I valuable to them? Why do they care about me?" I began evaluating my worth based on how I think others view me. I know what you're thinking. "RACHEL! Stop that! Don't look to others to determine your value!!!" Truth be told, it has actually turned out to be beneficial. I analyze the people who care to be around me, who I laugh with, spend time with, who love me and I think, "why?" There is no reason. It's quite perplexing to me. I grew up with conditional love. You have to be a certain way, do and have certain things in order to be accepted and important. And maybe I was just in the wrong place. Because now, I look at my life and the people who want me in theirs and they don't care what I can and can't do. They don't care what I do and don't have. They see me as valuable because I exist. I understand a lot of things; I've been told I'm pretty smart, but I can't seem to grasp this concept quite yet. People love me because I'm alive and human. Why can't I love me for the same reason?

Why is it so difficult to love myself when it seems so easy to love others? Is it because I know my flaws and other people don't see them? Or because I care about my flaws and other people don't? Am I the only one who asks these questions? Do people even see my flaws? People don't love me because I'm not flawed. People love me in spite of my flaws. And if other people can do that, then maybe I should, too.

Learning to love myself will be a journey. And I hope that you'll all stick with me for this journey. And maybe you need to join me on this adventure, I don't know. But we really all need each other in order to make it where we want to be.We can't do life alone. We weren't made for it. We have to support each other; it's the only way we'll be able to withstand the flames of life.

Tell me your story. Come along with me. Give some advice. Love people despite their shortcomings.
Until next time.
Love, me.

Through the FIre

"Worship is the heartbeat of God." -Bobby Moore

My church's college group recently began a series on worship - the nature of it, why we do it, and how we do it. It's a basic Christian necessity to worship and worship wholeheartedly, even when we don't feel like it.

Growing up in a Christian school, I heard many talks on worship, how it's important, how to "fake it 'til you make it." I'd heard messages before that mentioned how King David would worship, even in the midst of struggle. You can hear the struggle in his writing (Psalm 13, for example). I've looked at stories of people worshiping God and encountering incredible oppression for doing so, like Paul and Daniel. But I never really thought of worship the way I did when I heard the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendigo last night. I'd heard that story dozens of times before and have seen the Veggie Tales version even more than that.

While King Nebuchadnezzar was in power, he ordered a giant statue be made for worship. When trumpets sounded and music played, the people would gather and bow down and worship this idol. Rack, Shack, and Benny (for spelling's sake), followed God's commands, so they refused to bow down. The King was not very happy about that. He ordered they be thrown into a fiery furnace to die if they continued to refuse. Still, they did not bow down. So they were sentenced to death. But here's where the story takes a drastic turn - they STILL worshiped God, even as they were being thrown into the "fireplace of doom." God sent a divine being to their rescue, and the fire didn't singe even a hair on their heads. The King saw this and had them released, proclaiming THEIR God was the one true God and He alone should be praised.

God is brought glory when we worship Him. But, when we worship, we are also glorified through Him. Rack, Shack, and Benny praised God, even to death, and when they were saved, King Nebuchadnezzar promoted them to power.

When we worship God through our struggles, He sends help to sustain us. We see the fire. We're in the middle of the flames and we can touch the embers, but we're not burned. When we worship, God is there to protect us from the pit of fire we can see and feel, but, like Rack, Shack, and Benny, not a hair on our head will be scorched. And not only will he sustain us, but He will elevate us. He will bless us beyond our imagination. And it was only yesterday that I saw this in my own life.

Last week, there was an accident at school and I saw more than I had desired to maintain my sanity. The trauma was nearly unbearable as I struggled from day to day to keep myself from bursting in to tears for no apparent reason. The whole event came at a really unfortunate time for me, since I was still processing some other things from earlier in the month. But worship has always been a saving grace for me, a sort of sustenance. The trek through this last week was a slow one and it involved little sleep and plenty of struggle, but at the end of it came more than I could've dreamed.

I doubt my abilities. Often. And that may or may not be an understatement. But my teachers have this crazy amount of belief and trust in me. Why? I have no idea. But they tend to believe in me more than I do myself. It was evidenced when I was called in to talk to the head of my program about something. She sat me down and said, "The 3rd year students will be leaving, and we have this practicum assignment that will need to be taken over. You'd train for it during Spring, and next Fall, it's yours if you want it. Some other teachers and I talked about students who we thought could handle it and your name came up." Ummm... What? Me? It was the sunshine at the end of a dreary thunderstorm of events. I'm still having a hard time believing it, and I don't know that I will until I get there. But in giving up my struggle this week to God, in praying for the persons involved in the accident, in talking with people who could support me through it, I found continuity of strength and elevation of esteem. God is glorified in me and through me. If worship is the heartbeat of God, and I'm His desire, then I am His heart.
I am His worship, and I will give me back to Him, because I was never mine to begin with.

Seven.

This post will come as a surprise to most of you. Heck, it'll be a surprise for ME, given I ACTUALLY post it. I don't normally do things like this, but I felt like it was time to share a bit of my story with my world... I understand I may receive criticism following the posting of this. It's meant to empower, not condemn or libel (especially on account of its truth.) It's definitely not my whole story, and there are several chunks missing (for a little more see my Father's Day post from 2 years ago.) Anyway, here goes nothing...


Seven.
That might not seem like a big number, but when you consider it's the equivalent of 2,557 days, it doesn't seem so small.
2,557 days.
7 years ago today, my life changed in a way not many people even understand. Even I don't always understand it. Let me back up a little bit...

My parents have been divorced since I was eight. More than half my life, this is my normal. My parents had a parenting plan, and in it, every summer, I would spend every other week with my dad. The summer I turned 13, camp happened to fall on my mom's week, so I got to go, but the last full day was a Friday - trade-off day. That meant I had to leave camp a day early so my dad could pick me up at my mom's house. Coincidentally, I got sick that day. My mom came to take me home, and shortly thereafter, I called my dad to tell him I wanted to stay with my mom and rest. My dad wasn't a fan of that idea, and fearing what would happen to me otherwise, I laid down on my mom's couch and refused to move when he came to pick us up.

Now, my history with my dad has always been, shall I say, rocky.

My decision to legal action. After taking my mom to court, the judge declared that I could either resume visitation or go to parent/child counseling with my dad on the stipulation that he would choose the counselor. There was a reason I had left, so I wasn't just going to go back. I chose the latter route. I wanted a say in my life where no one had heard me before, and this was a solution... so I thought.

For years, I had always felt like I had made a mistake, because what was to come was nothing short of traumatizing and painful. But, in all actuality, it was the better of the two decisions. You see, if I had chosen to give in and simply return things back to how they were, I would not be where I am today. Yes, I struggle daily with my past, but I've also been more successful and happier than I ever could have been. Victory is WON - not handed over.

After the counselor was chosen, we spent three months every Thursday morning together for an hour in that office. Being 13 years old and having to defend yourself against not just one, but two adults - and both were supposed to be protecting you - you learn to become strong and suppress emotions quite readily. At the end of that three month period, the counselor told me I should resume visitation and "ease" back into it. Little was I aware that "ease" meant going back to how things were right away. Two months later, my dad and I hit another road block. I was over it by the next week. He, apparently, wasn't. The day my older sister turned 16 (7 years ago today, for those keeping track), my mother was with her at the DMV for her written driving test. What would be my last conversation with my dad went like this:
"Rachel, do you have your house keys?"
"No..."
"Okay... (upon arriving at the DMV) Rachel, grab your stuff. Everyone else, stay here."

Not really a conversation, but I like to hold onto it as such.
He walked me in and had me sit down next to my mother. He told her I could not go back with him "until the air is cleared." Because I was supposed to know what that meant? It wasn't until a few WEEKS later that the parent/child counselor called my mother and I in to explain what had initiated my abandonment. I could only sit there listening to the things I was being accused of. The air didn't need to be cleared from my end.

I've reached out and asked for forgiveness, invited him to events and hoped and prayed that one day, he might do the same. But in the last seven years, the favor hasn't been returned. In the last seven years, I've had to re-learn my worth. And I'm still learning. The scars will forever remain and make me who I am, but the wounds are being healed. Slowly, but surely. I am worth it and have to remind myself every day. Even if it takes me another 2,557 days...

I Can Just Be Me

You know those points in your life where you are in the midst of so much uncertainty and confusion you feel like everything is just out of control? Well, I'm there now. I am asking myself so many questions about things beyond the "here and now," it feels like my life is spinning in directions I have yet to know. I feel such contentment for where I am right now with school and work and church. But a part of me craves more. A part of me questions every aspect of my future and says "where will you be a month from now? 3 months? A year? 3 years?" What does my life hold for me?

My senior year of high school, I thought I had my life planned out. I wanted to go to MSU and major in biology, then work on pre-med and become a pediatrician. It was my perfect plan. I loved science and kids and I could move away. But God had other plans. My heart was called to stay here. The blessings that have come from listening to my greater plan I don't have the room to write here. I decided to focus my work toward an AA degree, then transfer and continue my plan. Well, that didn't happen either. I took one communication class and was hooked. It made sense to me, and I loved learning about people. After all, I spent most of my time sitting in silence learning people. I took what I could and decided to finish out my AA degree, having no idea where or what I wanted to do after graduating, but I wanted to work with people and communication of some variety. Music or spoken, radio, newspaper, whatever it was, I just wanted to touch people's lives and make a difference.

I'm in the Interpreter Training Program (ITP) right now. How did I get here? Well, it took some convincing, several dreams, a lot of thought, many people questioning me, and a couple arguments with God about it. You see, my stepmother was an interpreter. I know just how small the deaf community is. I didn't want people to change the way they viewed me in the profession because of someone who shares my last name. I was a MUSIC MAJOR. I told myself I wanted to be a music teacher... The decision I had before me was one that would change the direction of my life, and it wasn't going to be easy to make. I made a list of "pros" and "cons" (which were actually represented by stars and sad faces instead), and prayed. A lot. And thought. And talked it out with people on both sides. And thought some more. And prayed even harder. And after, still, more dreams, I had made a decision.

I love where I am. My peers are lovely most of the time and I'm learning so much. I'm making friends I would not have been able to before and have mentors in people I never knew existed. I'm happy and the only person now doing any comparing of me is me. After this year, I will have one more year and then I graduate. After that...

Well, I don't know, really. I still want to work with people and make a difference in their lives. And I want to continue on and get a BA and Masters. In what, I have no clue. And where? Good question. I do know that I still want to go away, but with a different focus. And while I'm trying to control all of that, I will wear myself out by running around and pushing myself harder to get everything done so everything goes perfectly. Yeah, no. I have a greater God that can take care of making things work out. After all, I am only human. Nothing I do will make me perfect or come out perfectly. It's only by His hand that anything can compare to perfection. So, why do I spend my time stressing out about things I don't really have control over anyway? Because I'm human and think I can. Because I write my plans in pencil, but God holds an eraser and permanent marker. And believe me, I've tried arguing His plan. It doesn't work. I'm surprised I haven't wound up in the stomach of a fish yet, on my way to a place I don't want to go...

Kidding aside and with the topic of school, I've had people ask me, "why are you here? You're too smart to be here." Well, it felt right. And what business is it of yours anyway? You see, there's this stigma that being "super smart" you have to be in some crazy "intellectual" profession after graduating from some super University. An engineer from MIT, a doctor from Stanford, a physicist from Harvard. And here I am. At community college. Studying to be an interpreter. The world has no idea what its standards are. I'm slowly, but surely, having to come to grips with the fact that the profession I am studying right now might not be highly recognized or praised. But it's important. And it's DIFFICULT. And it's rewarding and beautiful and requires more mind power than I have yet to discover. My mind is special, yes. And it could be somewhere else doing something else right now. I've come to terms that I probably won't study at Oxford or Cambridge, and that's fine with me. That's not where God needs me right now. I've learned that when I follow His plan, my life makes more sense, my life is less stressed, and I can be content with just being me.

Just listen to this song and you'll see where I'm coming from:
"I Can Just Be Me" - Laura Story

Let Me Tell You About Me...

So, a while ago on facebook, a viral post went around that went a little something like this:
X number of facts about (person) that people might not know. Whoever liked the post would, then, be given a number. I kind of wanted to participate, but I didn't feel like sharing my life in that way. Kind of funny to me that I would choose here and now to share it, but here goes nothing:

1) I have been a member of Mensa since I was 7.

2) My middle name is Lee-Ann. It is spelled EXACTLY like that. Please get it right. And it is spelled as such because of my Grandfather. His name was Lee. I was born the day after his birthday, and it's quite fitting, since he and I are basically one in the same.

3) I started learning sign language when I was 9. I went to the school library and took out books on the subject. I guess it's fitting with where I am in school right now.

4) I'm sorry, but I don't like country music. It and rap are really the only two genres I don't willingly listen to. Rap for the message, country for the memories...

5) I love baking shows: Next Great Baker, Cupcake Wars, Ultimate Cake Off, The Taste. I'm pretty picky about the cake I eat. I love to cook and bake and enjoy watching shows and looking at food that is delicious. I just wish I was much more skilled.

6) My story is fairly unique and I tend to keep it secret because I don't want people to see me differently. I'm willing to tell people if they ask, but it might take me a little while to figure out just the right words.

7) The words I choose are meticulously thought out. People have judged me for my verbiage, but I would rather speak deliberately than just say words meaninglessly.

8) I would rather watch a documentary than a fictional movie. I'd rather read non-fiction books than fiction. I don't know why I don't like made-up stories. Maybe it's my unquenchable thirst for knowledge and learning that fiction books just can't even come close to satisfying...

So, I hope that gives you a little more of an idea of who I am... So, tell me about you!

Bonus fact:
9) My legal name is Rachel Lee-Ann Sprague, but I was given a sign name and I have an African namesake - Fatou Sarr.

Life in the Single Lane: Part 2

Recently, I've been attending Life Center church on Sunday mornings. The series we're in is called "The Meaning of Marriage," based on the book of the same name by Timothy Keller. Now, I'm single. Very single. This has since become a struggle for me. Formerly, the church I had attended seemed to be all about relationships. And while I wouldn't mind friendship and fellowship, their focus was on a different kind of relationship. It was shocking to people when someone of my age was single. Marriage became a sort of status and people definitely treated you differently for being single. Now, being single and hearing this series, it brings a new perspective.

Here's what I've learned:
1) It IS possible to take and apply characteristics of marriage to your daily walk with God as a single person. The book of Isaiah seems to be filled with the image of a bridegroom and bride, likening it to the relationship between ourselves and Christ. In a marriage, there should be love unconditionally, forgiveness, closeness, and vulnerability. That's what God wants with us. We have to be vulnerable with him, forgive ourselves, and believe He loves us unconditionally with loving Him in return. The pastor giving the talks during this series isn't exclusive with his sermon. He includes challenges for the single people, as well as the couples, to deepen not only our understanding of the message, but also our faith in and love of our "bridegroom."

2) The commitment of a marriage relationship is supposed to be like that of our relationship with Christ. Referencing his own vows, the pastor proceeded to say, "Your spouse should always be your second love - only second to Christ." So, really, as long as Christ is my first love, I'm not missing out on too much. It's a lifelong commitment. You can walk away if you so choose, but it won't make you any happier. In fact, it might do the opposite to you.

3) Why not commit your life to Christ? He committed His for you! I feel like this doesn't need much explanation. Christ LOVED you so much he DIED for you. He committed his life for YOUR benefit. He didn't willingly do it either. Before you completely disagree with me, check out Luke 22:42 (NIV) - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (See also: Matt. 26:39) He didn't want to go through with it. He asked for the suffering to pass him over. But he still obeyed his Father's plan. I ask myself, "if God asked me to die for the people who hurt me, would I?" Honestly, I don't know if I would. It's REALLY easy to sacrifice your desires for people who are kind to you and love you. But God didn't promise easy. Just like in any relationship, there will be times where you disagree, want to walk away, want to fight back. And you certainly can. That won't change the fact that God is so committed to you that He will NEVER walk away, even if you walk away from Him.

4) Being single isn't a handicap. No, really. It doesn't make you any less of a person just because you have yet to find your "other half." Sure there are benefits to being married. But there are also benefits to being single - spending time building "outside" relationships, pouring into other people, focusing on loving God wholeheartedly, to name a few.

5) When you give Christ your heart, any hurt that may come along is easily healed. I think this is a great time to bring in a possibly bad analogy. It's much better for someone to have a heart attack in a hospital than be hours away from the nearest help. When you're near the "spiritual doctor," your fragile and wounded heart is much more readily helped.

My focus shouldn't be on finding a husband. My focus needs to be on finding the love of Christ so purely that it doesn't matter what stage of relationship I'm in; that Christ love fills me so fully loving another becomes a goal and treasure - not an obligation.

Until next time.

Living Life in the Single Lane

Recently, a lot of people I know are getting married, having kids, or are entering relationships. I was having a conversation with a friend today about my relationship status and what I think of some of these relationships I'm seeing. I'm perfectly okay with being single (except when teachers give me unsolicited relationship advice. Then it's simply awkward.)I've never had my first kiss or been in a relationship. I'm not looking for a significant other, but what may happen, will happen. With all these weddings and baby showers and future engagements to look forward to celebrating with my friends, I've noticed a few things.
Society tells us, girls especially, that we need to be in a relationship to be happy, popular, or have some sort of status. This simply isn't true. As a Christian, I have to look at the perfect example: Jesus.
1) Jesus was better able to serve God because of his singleness. Jesus was able to devote more time and attention to his calling and the work of the Heavenly Father because he didn't have a physical family to focus on. He wasn't set on getting married, so he could focus on the present and future work of God with his life.
2) Jesus could devote more time to pouring into others because he didn't have a significant other. You know EXACTLY what I mean. Imagine this: your BEST friend in the ENTIRE world, the person you share your time and heart with gets a boy/girlfriend. Suddenly, you become a third wheel. And what's more, they stop talking to you and are too busy to hang out because of this new relationship. But, Jesus didn't cast anyone aside. He made time for everyone. He was able to spend time with more people than if he had a wife/girlfriend/kids to care for.
3) Jesus remained celibate until "death did he part" to set the standard that relationships aren't all about sex. Okay, we can have a bit more fun with this one. But in all seriousness, how many times in an hour do you see a commercial or hear a song using some form of seduction or implication of sex. We're challenged to "save ourselves" until marriage, because that's what makes marriage sacred. Society has become an "ease of access" society. Everything is, quite literally, at our fingertips. People can go and get married on a whim, and get a divorce just as quickly. With internet in our pockets, we can access facebook and email in a matter of seconds. What's to stop someone from looking up a xxx site in the same amount of time? Society encourages it, but Christ's life was lived with the intent to be counter-cultural.
4) Jesus was already a king, so a relationship wasn't going to give him higher status. It's come to my attention that being in a relationship automatically makes you better than someone else. Or, so it seems. While in biblical times having a family gave you some status, today's values have shifted. Jesus had a spiritual family. He had spiritual children and grandchildren, brothers and sisters. His status was not dependent on how many biological children he had or the number of wives he possessed (King David, Jacob... Anyone?) Now, I work with junior highers. I remember being in junior high, if you had a boy/girlfriend, you were all that and a bag of chips. Why? Seriously, could someone tell me why? Being in a relationship simply means you found someone you want to share your heart with. How does that invoke a status of being above anyone else? If someone could help me with this one, it'd be appreciated. My point is, in order for Jesus to make a difference and be important, he didn't need to be with anyone. He just needed to be himself, who he was called to be, and love everyone.

Ultimately, my singleness can only be an asset. Why live life thinking it's a handicap to be single?

By the way, my cats say 'hi.' Relationship status: Single, but committed to Christ and his work in and through my life.

The Irony of a Day Like Today...

As I was writing this as my status, I saw an opportunity to expand and share:
"When I feel like I struggle to believe how much my Abba Daddy loves me, situations happen like today - where someone might look and go "man, that sucks!" I look and go "I am so blessed, because that could've gone so many other ways..." Safe, protected, provided for... And we even made it to church on time. :) And that, my friends, is how I know that God was there in CT. That is how I know that in those times where life sucks and isn't going the way we think it should go... When troubles seem almost overwhelming... That's how I know that I can take a step back and go "I am blessed. I am loved." Because if I wasn't, I'm not sure my burden would have been quite so light. My God is not just a good God... He's a GREAT God!"

On my way to church at 8:30am, I was driving down a very icy road. As I went to turn at a green light, I wound up sliding right through, and since I had started turning, I had to correct myself. (probably) Over-correcting, my car swerved and turned until it jumped on the curb and slid off, doing a 180, finding myself facing traffic. I put on my blinkers and got out to look at the damage. A flat tire? Car still running? No other physical damage? "Awesome," I thought, "I'll just get it down the road and change the tire." A guy pulled up with his teenage kids and asked if we needed help. When we got it off the road to a parking lot, we got the spare out and put it on. It wound up that the spare was also flat. Not wanting me to wind up driving on my rim from losing my spare, the family offered to drive me and my friend to church a couple minutes away. As we thanked the family, we got to church just as it was starting. I walked in and felt so overcome by what had just happened, I broke down.

Now, yesterday I wrote a blog post about some things I struggle with... Believing people cared about me, struggling with knowing and accepting just how much God loves me... Today, I can say I know just how much God loves me and that people DO care. I serve an awesome God...

Potential situations that could have (and maybe should have) happened:
1) The light could've been red.
2) There could have been traffic around or behind me that could not have stopped.
3) I could have wound up in on-coming traffic.
4) I could have torn my bumper off (or any other number of car-related damage) from jumping the curb.
5) It could've been two tires.
6) No one could've stopped.
7) I could've rolled the car.
8) I could have run into the fence surrounding the yard where I went up on the sidewalk.

With the potentials in mind, I realized just how good my situation turned out. As I cried with thanks, I realized what it might have been like for the parents in CT... Waiting to see their kids. Finding them and being thankful, because other parents didn't turn out so lucky. I know my God was in CT, because the situation ended. Because there wasn't a second shooter at a second school. Because there wasn't a second shooter at that school in a different area. Because Victoria Soto hid her kids and sacrificed herself to protect them to avoid even more loss.

I know that God never gives us more than we can handle. I'm so certain - because as I slid and tried to turn on an icy sheet of a road, I felt a peace. I was willing to go wherever my car led me, even if it meant to the next street to turn. When my life doesn't go as I plan, do I fight it? Or do I wait for the next turn? I could handle slipping and sliding around on the road. I could handle changing a flat tire. But could I have handled greater damage? Could I have handled injury? Maybe not so much.

I know I serve a great God because of the trials we go through. If it weren't for the potentials, how would we know how safe we really are?

My Greatest Struggle

So, I haven't written anything in a while... Every time I sit down to write something, nothing comes to me. I'll write something, then decide I don't want to say it, so here it is...
I struggle with writing blog posts because I don't know how much of myself to reveal. I struggle with knowing what information is safe with which people, particularly because there are people in my life I can't trust to keep something private. I struggle with vulnerability because in previous moments of letting my guard down, I've gotten deeply hurt.
I struggle with being me, because I fear that if I'm me, people won't like me. I struggle with sharing me because I'm afraid people will leave me behind more broken than before.
I struggle with allowing myself to really feel what I'm going through and feeling. I struggle with accepting compliments because I don't feel deserving.
I struggle to accept the reality of what I've been through because I don't want to believe it happened. I struggle to think people care about my situation and my story, because "if they did, they'd ask about it."
But, I also struggle with reminding myself that I'm not the only one who goes through this. That I'm not alone. That my Abba Daddy loves me... And that is my greatest struggle.

The Parallels to Love

Some of my favorite memories from when I was about 6 or 7 was singing with my dad in our basement. He instilled in me a love for music and singing. I can remember him pulling out his guitar and teaching me different songs. To this day, if I hear a worship song I sang with him, it brings tears to my eyes. Now, my dad is in no way perfect, and as I got older I began to see the love leave his eyes and voice. I cling to the childhood memories as I faced the inevitable reality of growing up.

The heaviness of feeling abandoned brought to light another love that only gained in power the more attention I gave to it. It had always been there, but had been filtered through the love of my father: the love of my Abba Daddy. When I lost my father's love, there was something hanging on to me, keeping my head above water as my life changed drastically.

I don't know if you've ever thought about it, but the love your daddy has for you can, and generally does, determine how you view the love of God.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
Love is:
Patient
Kind
Not envious
Not boastful
Not proud
Not rude
Not self-seeking
Not easily angered
Keeps no record of wrongs
Does not delight in evil
Rejoices with the truth
Always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Never fails.

That love, biblical love, sounds so nice, doesn't it? I remember my dad telling me he loved me "unconditionally." His love would never fail me. As I got older and learned that word didn't mean what I thought it meant, my idea of love was skewed. Love became conditional to me. I felt like "people would only love me if..." It altered my behavior so when I disappointed someone, I would feel sick, because I thought they couldn't love me. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that's not love. It's so incredibly tough to grasp what real love is - especially in today's society. Maybe the fact that God's love is unconditional is something you, like me, struggle with on a daily basis? Maybe someone has told you they love you unconditionally, but in the end, you find out it was conditional? There are so many verses, I can't choose just one!
Proverbs 20:6 says, "Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?"
Psalms is scattered with evidence of his unfailing love. In Psalm 13, the author was severely struggling with life. It was weighing him down. But the one thing he could count on was God's unfailing love.
Isaiah 54:10 tells us that it doesn't matter what we do: "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you."
God's love for me - for YOU - is unending. In Ephesians 3:17-19, Paul is praying that we "grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." His love is that filling and that unending!!
I pray for you the same as Paul prayed for Ephesus and every Christian today: that you could grasp the unending love God has for you - seriously, no matter what you do, He'll never stop loving you.

Even Kings

I have to admit to you a love of mine. It might even be a love of yours, and if it is, GOOD CHOICE! Being a poetic and lyrical person, I have a deep, deep love for the book of psalms. Psalms is fantastic, and if you've never read it, please do at least once in your lifetime. The psalms are my favorite because of how completely they are able to relate to everyday life. They have such intense meaning, and they really make you feel what the author was feeling at the time of its penning. Even more so, I love the psalms because I am a huge, HUGE fan of the life and character of David. David was a "man after God's own heart." Now, I'm a woman, but I would LOVE to be known that way: as "a woman after God's own heart." David started off low on the totem pole. He was the shepherd boy that no one brought to mind when they heard the word "king" and even "defeating the Philistine giant."

Psalm 13 is one of those passages that you can read in a time of great distress, but by the time you're finished reading it, you're so emotionally involved in it that your mood changes with the attitude of the passage. Let's have a look at it, shall we?

"How long, oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, oh Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

I can't imagine what David may have been going through when he wrote this! He felt like God had forgotten him. A KING felt like God had forgotten him. This incredibly powerful man, who had slain tens of thousands of men, was anointed by God, and defeated a giant, felt like God wasn't there. Wow. David didn't have it all together. David had a true yearning for God and an honesty with his pains that gives me hope. But, at times, I feel the same way David did. I feel forgotten by God. I feel like I can't see him. And I very much feel lost, confused, and troubled by my thoughts and the culmination of the things unclear in my life and heart.

Recently, a woman I look up to and trust my heart with prayed over me in my confusion. I didn't even know where to start. She asked for any examples, but the only thing I could say was "I don't know." You know how that feels? To not even know what you're confused about because there's so much else there? When she prayed, God gave her Psalm 13 to tell me. Psalm 13 is my current favorite passage in the entire bible. It relates so much to my life:
things are so unclear, I don't know what to do
I feel forgotten and lost
I feel like my enemies have it better than me and use it against me
but...
God's love for me is unfailing, even when I fail. I'm so grateful that I'm free by Christ's blood. I thank the Lord for the incredible friends he gave me that help me when I can't find my way. I sing to him, because he gave me a gift to give back to him.

When my friend said Psalm 13, my heart felt a burden being freed. Why? It reminded me of something I have personally found critical to my walk: when I feel like I'm at the lowest of low and there's no possible way I can get any further down, I need God to pull me up, and he'll only help me out of my pit if I ask him. The tears said it all - God has not forgotten me in my time of need. He gave me that verse because that was how I felt, but also because I needed the reminder that when I feel that way, even if I don't get answers, he'll bring me peace.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

It's summer. The season I should be using for a break, I've taken as a chance to grow and learn by several different means. I'm taking summer classes in order to enjoy my school year while graduating next year and I'm interning at my church, being poured into by wonderful people while gaining valuable work experience and facing growing opportunities.

One of my tasks as an intern is to attend women's bible study every Tuesday night. Now, this might have been something I would do anyway, but being able to be a more involved part of it has definitely brought more of a sense of belonging to the group. Currently, we're going through a series by Beth Moore, a petite southern speaker who has an incredible fire and passion for God, called "Breaking Free." As it's Independence Day, we recognize the freedom isn't free at all. It takes giving something up.

This last week's homework for the series was the kind of homework that you hate to love because of how directly it speaks to you, but you can't seem to stop working on because you're so involved in it that you'd feel guilty for not completing it. It's all about finding freedom by becoming free of captivity that, to be honest, I wasn't aware that I faced. We need to identify our weaknesses so we begin to rely on God as our strength.

"We tend to think our weakness is stronger than God's strength." - Beth Moore
Why? WHY do we think that? We do know that it's called a WEAKness for a reason, right? But how often to we think that our problems are bigger than God? "He can't handle what I've been through." "I've just committed too big a sin to be forgiven." "How could He still love me when I haven't shown Him love?" Sound familiar? But I know my God is almighty. He is powerful and bigger than anything I could throw at Him. I've had, and will continue to have, my fair share of issues. I've felt weak, abandoned, alone. I've had to rely on strength other than my own to get me through some really trying times. And no doubt I'll have to go through those times again. In fact, I find the times that I need help most are when I have to be honest - with myself, and with others.

Honesty is freeing. It's tough and growing and requires vulnerability. I don't like to be vulnerable. I have to have trust God and rely on Him to feel comfortable sharing the truth with people. Even just how I'm doing requires leaning on Him that nothing bad will happen in my vulnerability. When I rely on Him and am honest, I find a freedom that keeping whatever it may be inside prevents.

My challenge to you today is be honest with yourself. What's holding you back from your full potential? Self-confidence issues? Family problems? Difficulty overcoming denial of something that you know will grow you, simply because it's not comfortable? God never promised us comfortable. He promised growth.

It's Not Vacation... I'm Still Working On Myself.

This last week, I had the awesome opportunity to go to Hunters, Washington, to participate in a VBS at Cedonia Community Church (check 'em out here: http://cedoniachurch.blogspot.com/) as a crew leader. Now, I have to be honest: that position was not my first choice. See, as a junior high leader, Pre-K/K team member, and the various other areas of small group leadership I've had, I had "crew leader" down. I felt the need to grow elsewhere. But, I was placed as a crew leader. I was actually rather upset with that fact, but, because I knew that the devil would use it against me, I decided that I would go wherever I was needed with a servant mentality, since the trip was never about me anyway.

The very first night, we did foot washing at evening devos. The leaders went around the circle, washing the volunteers feet and praying over them. After I was prayed over, I hurried to the basement. It was quiet, and no one could hear me, so I walked around, talking to God, explaining to Him how I felt (even though I'm sure He already knew) while crying. I told Him I wasn't sure what He was doing, but I knew He had a plan. I know He still does, as I still have that longing to be beyond where I was - having a desire to grow in more areas.

But have you ever felt that way? Like you're supposed to be put somewhere and when you're not, you're kind of bitter and angry about it? It's almost like you feel God's telling you "this is where I want you" but when it doesn't happen, you get kind of frustrated and confused? That's where I was. I thought, "God, you said these were your plans for me, but I'm still at this spot. What are you doing? I thought you said this was how it was supposed to be."

It wasn't until A) I talked to someone about it and B) until I could overcome my bitterness that I really saw what God was doing. I had the mentality that THIS is where I would be at THIS time. But that wasn't God's timing. I still believe He has that plan for me. And now I know to WAIT patiently. Yet, how many times do we try to hurry up God's plans for us? We just disappoint ourselves and go through more hurt than we really need to go through. We have to learn to wait on God, and He will bring about His plans at the right time - the point where it will bring Him the most glory.

Happy Father's Day?

*Disclaimer: The decision to post this was a difficult one, and in openness, I've decided to share it with you. It's a bit of a heavier post and topic, but the end is where we should focus, and you can always feel free to skip to the end. I hope you enjoy this post. You should tell me your story...*

June 17th, 2012, is yet another "Hallmark Holiday." The second most important people in our lives are to be celebrated and cherished. It's a day where we focus all our attention on the person who taught us how to ride a bike, hit a baseball, and change a tire. Fathers. They're one of the most important people to look at when we search for our identity and determine who we are and who we're going to be. They're the ones who are supposed to walk us down the aisle and hold their newborn grandchildren at the hospital wearing the "Proud Grandfather" shirt and smile

Fathers are the people who can quite literally make or break the rest of our lives. If you've been lucky enough to have a great dad, I truly am jealous of you. But if you, like me, have a not-so-great dad, father's day might be tough for you. Fathers are supposed to be there from the moment we are born. They're there for our first breath, first steps, first loves, first house... Well, most of them, anyway.

But in complete vulnerability, I've decided to share an excerpt of my story. Something I share with few people, now to be shared with all of you. (Since, after all, my blog does say "tell me your story, show me your wounds...")

When I was 8, my parents got a divorce. I very much knew what was going on. As time passed, I grew to be more independent. My mom and dad pinned me and my siblings up against the other parent. We were being pulled in every different direction. Things looked okay from the outside, but inside, there were hurtful words. Words that should never be said to any child. EVER. My dad denied it. Even when he was told about it and saw the hurt we had experienced, there was no remorse, no guilt, no shame, no empathy. There was nothing. No one would ever see the scars, because the beatings we had experienced were not physical. The control and bounds we had been held captive to were invisible. Who would ever believe a child?

My self-reliance had grown exponentially. My mom had gone back to school and was working, so my siblings and I were home alone often. Being a middle child, I was strong-willed. I knew what I wanted and was determined to work to get it. I recognized the verbal and emotional abuse and didn't need to deal with it anymore. By 13 years old, I had had enough. After getting sick at summer camp, I wanted to stay at my house and rest. My dad wanted me to go with him. I refused. I laid on the couch, crying out of fear. He left. I was terrified that he would try to come take me. The first day of 8th grade came and went. As soon as I hopped off the bus and saw him walking toward me, I ran. I ran to the front office to call my mom. Because my parents had gone to court that summer, since I had refused to go with my dad, they ruled that I could return to visitations or I could go to counseling with him. I chose counseling. That's a story for another time.

After I was forced to resume visitation with him December of my 8th grade year, things didn't get any better. Counseling hadn't helped. My dad had shown no response to the fact that he had hurt me. By February, he had had enough of me. He dropped me off with my mom, not giving a reason why, and told my mom I couldn't go with him until "the air was cleared." Whatever that meant, the air has still never been cleared.

Don't get me wrong. I love my dad. Despite what he's done. I don't love him because he's my dad. I love him because, as a Christian, it's what I'm called to do. But it's not an obligation - it's a genuine love for him.

I've been lucky enough to have men at my church who I can look up to as a father figure, who have "taken me into" their families as "one of their own." I've had father figures leave me, too, but I know that there's one Daddy who won't leave me. My earthly dad might suck, but my true Daddy is eternal, and despite ME leaving Him, I know He'll always love me. I plan on thanking some of my friend's dad's on father's day, for showing me what a father is supposed to look like and how to show love to his children and wife, so one day I can find a guy like that.

The purpose of this post is not to show you how lame my dad is, but to show you that, no matter your relationship with your dad, you can still find hope on Father's Day.

1 John 3:1 - "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him."
How great the love our our Abba Daddy... Those of us who feel like we might not belong in our own families, we know that we belong in God's family. How great is that? We belong in a loving family, with a loving Daddy, despite how broken our families on earth may be. We can celebrate our Abba Daddy because of His love for us, His kids, and the things He's done for us. Maybe he never played basketball with you or let you beat him in a game of chess, but He's let us win over something so much bigger than that - sin, because with Him, we are more than conquerors.

So, my challenge to you is, no matter how great or how dumb your father is, take comfort in the fact that you can still celebrate a Daddy who loves you forever and ever.

Being the Salt of the World to Add Flavor to My Life

Between going to a Christian school and growing up in church, there was one thing I was taught that I always had a hard time with. It has nothing to do with the belief system. In fact, it's quite the opposite - MY belief system. I cannot count how many times I've been told to "practice sharing my testimony, so when the day comes, I'd be ready." My problem with this? I didn't have an interesting testimony. My testimony, I thought, was bland. In fact, I can write it in two sentences. I grew up in the church and went to a Christian school. When I was in first grade, I accepted Christ. The end. Thrilling, right? As I got older, those two sentences expanded to "where I was, when I chose, who Christ is to me now." I was able to tack on the fact that I grew up, and God became my Father, my Guidance, my Friend, and my solid rock when I was on shaky ground. I would hear other people's stories and think about how lame mine sounded. Kids my age turning their lives around made my life feel dull.
The older I got, the less inspiring I found my story. Up until recently, I never realized just how inspiration my story really was. I didn't tell it to anyone, and no one who knows me told me just how impacted they felt. It was just one of those things where I realized, no one's testimony is greater than another person's. In fact, they're all the same story:
"I was broken and enslaved to sin. God's grace gave me salvation and made me whole. I was lost, but now I am found. I was a child of the world, but now I am a child of the King."
If you ask me, that's some powerful stuff right there. That's my testimony. Sure, I was 6, my life had only begun. The worst thing I had done was lie to my parents or take my sister's toy away from her. Interesting? Maybe not. Powerful? Always. How great is it that we get to become God's kids?! People say "it doesn't matter how old I've gotten - I will always need my mother/father." That's how it is with God. We will always need Him. It doesn't matter how far away from Him we've gone, the things we've done, or how independent we THINK we are - He'll always be waiting there for you to call on Him, because He knows you'll need His help. Whether you're sick, hurting, just want to tell Him "thanks," He waits patiently for us to call on Him. Just like our parents.
1 John 3:1-2 - "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is."
If you read the rest of that chapter, it delves into the salvation Jesus provides for us. It's our testimony! Take a look for yourself: (vs. 3-10)
"All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure. Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness. But you know that he appeared so that he might take away our sins. And in him is no sin. No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him. Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. The one who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. The one who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work. No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God’s child, nor is anyone who does not love their brother and sister."
We sin. God saved us. We are free from the bondage of sin.
THAT is my testimony.

"I might go to college, but I don't learn much."

Things I learned in my first year of community college:

#1. You'll want to have a pocket dictionary handy at all times. Not because people have extensive vocabularies. In fact, it's quite the opposite. And then they'll tell you you're wrong. (Note to self: "Provocative: tending or serving to provoke; inciting, stimulating, irritating, or vexing.")

#2. You could wear pajamas to school and still be better dressed than some people.

#3. The only thing you learn when doing group projects is why, and how much, you hate them.

#4. Go to ratemyprofessor.com before signing up for classes. Not all teachers are competent.

#5. Simply put, people are dumb. No, really. You might think you know some dumb people, but just you wait.

#6. Always go for the research paper.

#7. Frisbee. It can get a little crazy. Don't get in our way.

#8. If you're asked to compete in a knowledge bowl - DO IT! Usually it involves Disney or other pop culture questions, and when all else fails, their general knowledge questions tend to be rather easy, too. Remember, this is community college.

#9. It doesn't matter if they have an editor and people who want to write for a living - don't read the school newspaper if you care about spelling, grammar, and your sanity.

#10. When the teacher says "class discussion," some people hear "I am the only person that can comment and ask questions. Let's take up the whole class time telling my life story."

#11. You will encounter that unfortunate moment where the one person you'd rather not be paired with is your partner. For the whole quarter.

#12. It doesn't matter how cool you think you are. PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!!

#13. I might be a little biased, but the music building has some pretty talented people in it.

#14. There's great people watching opportunities in the SUB. Just watch out for the Sasquatch dressed as a baby, the Easter Bunny, the kangaroo, and the man wearing the horse head.

#15. You'd better pay for that F@*?&#g spoon!

#16. When a teacher calls speeches "fun," just keep in mind that "fun" is a relative term. The teachers aren't the ones having to give them, so of course they think it's fun...

#17. "How many Sopranos does it take to inconvenience a person? None. Because an Alto will be there to tell off anyone who happens to be inconvenienced!"

#18. You might have an issue when you wind up using things you learn outside of school. Maybe that's what's supposed to happen in the long run, but in the short term, it just makes you look like a nerd.

#19. Don't wear a white skirt if you're on your period. Yikes.

#20. "Food left unattended WILL be eaten." -The "Living Room"

#21. Parking. As with the whole of Spokane in general, people don't know how to park... Or drive, really. If you want to make it to your class on time, get to school early so you can actually find a parking spot and walk the few football fields to civilization.

"True Story...."

So, this post, I decided to make a little more fun. I ride the bus here in good old Spokane, and sometimes the people on the bus are very interesting characters. This list is dedicated to them:

#1. Please... PLEASE, for the sake of everyone around you, with rainbows and sprinkles, the number one most important thing to surviving with you on the bus... Shower.

#2. Wear deodorant. For some people, a shower won't cut it. However,

#3. Don't over-do the body spray. Bad idea.

#4. Please wear clothing made for your gender. Guys, do NOT wear girls' blouses that are a size too small - especially when you could make a wig from all that hair on your chest. No one wants to see that.

#5. If no one is sitting next to you, but your stuff is there, please be considerate and move your stuff. There is plenty room on your lap or on the floor. (Exceptions: mothers with small children, strollers, etc., or when riding the 90, 25, or any bus that runs through the West Central (22/23) or Hillyard (27/33) neighborhoods.) If you do happen to have to give up your seat, be sure you carefully visually assess your new "seat buddy."

#6. When getting on a crowded bus, if there are single seats open and available next to strangers, find the least threatening, appears to have showered stranger and ask to sit by them. They'll usually be kind enough to let you, and who knows, you may make a friend in the process.

#7. When it's morning, and you're on a crowded bus, and no one else is talking, please don't be yelling your conversation to the person next to you. I don't care to know how many shots of coffee you had nor am I interested in your love/sex life.

#8. Sometimes, it's okay to shower. I feel the need to repeat this one.

#9. It might be called P.D.A. for a reason, but change the "P" to private. We don't need to watch that.

#10. If someone has their headphones in, whether or not they're listening to music, it means they don't want to talk to you. Don't try.

#11. You might not notice the breeze, but pull up your pants. No one wants to see that either. But, I might just bust into song... "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground. Lookin' like a FOOL wit ya pants on the ground." Don't tempt me.

#12. If you have to have an argument, please, don't have it on the bus. We don't need a fight to break out.

#13. On the bus, there happens to be magicians. They make things disappear with their slight of hand. Make sure you keep your eye on your zipped/buttoned/completely closed bags at all times, or you might become the next "lovely assistant" to their trick.

#14. For those who like to listen to rap/heavy metal rather loudly on the bus: your choice of music is atrocious. Turn it down, or turn it off. Justin Bieber is unacceptable as well.

#15. If you'd prefer not to shower, at least change your clothes daily.

#16. I highly suggest showering. It might seem like common sense, but some people need to be told - for the love of all that is wonderful - shower. They do make hypoallergenic soap, if that's what you're worried about.

#17. This is quite possibly one of the most important pieces of advice for a new bus rider: not all of the drivers like their jobs, nor do they always like people. Try not to kill them, however tempting it may be.

#18. Don't talk to women with mustaches. Seriously. Just don't do it.

#19. With as much as schizophrenics talk, it's probably not wise to talk to them. You never know when they might crack. Or what kind of crack they're doing, for that matter.

#20. There is no such thing as a normal bus ride. Something weird will ALWAYS happen, even if this is the same bus you've been taking for a while, at the same time, with the same people. Be prepared for anything both imaginable and, scarily, unimaginable.

#21. Some of the bus drivers are worse drivers than a 16 year old girl who is talking on her phone while she has 3 friends in the car. Sit down and hang on. For your life.

Waiting on the Lord

As I was thinking of a "catchy title" for this blog, thinking what I wanted to write about, a song came to mind. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..."
Waiting on the Lord is no easy task. I feel like I've been waiting forever! For the right job. For direction for my future. For the guy God has for me. Waiting for that moment where God hits me where I'm at my breaking point, and I succumb to His mighty love and power. Maybe you're at that place too. A place where you feel numb to what God has for you, because you've been waiting so long, you feel as if it will never happen. But that's the funny thing about God. No matter how soon I hope something will happen; no matter if I give God a "due date;" His timing is always perfect. I mean, really, God CREATED time. He is outside of time and space, so don't you think His timing would be pretty spot on?
I would say I have pretty good timing. I've narrowly avoided getting hit in the face by a flying bag of M&M's (not going to name names, but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!), caught the bus at just the right time, and even checked my phone just as I was getting a text. Being at the right place at the right time... But, is it really controlled by us? I mean, really? You can choose when you leave, where you go, and approximately when you'll get there. But is there such a thing as "the right place and time?" Well, let's see what we already know:

1) God is outside of time and space. He very well could control when I get somewhere, for that matter, IF I get somewhere. So that means, yes, He has a reason for rush hour...

2) God has a plan for me. God has a plan for YOU! God already knows what sentence I'm going to type next, then erase, then write again, then erase the part that doesn't make sense, then fix it, and finally settle on what it will say. He knows what I'm going to do tomorrow, who I'll talk to, and what I'll eat. If God is a perfect God, and He is, then His plans are perfect. He knows exactly how to implement them and when - whether or not it's on our time.

You see, when we put two and two together, or in this case one and two (please excuse the lame pun, but I felt as if it were necessary in this case), we can see that God has the perfect plan to come into play at the perfect time! Often times, I have a plan for me. Now, if this plan actually played out like I had hoped, it probably wouldn't have worked out, or that "something better" that happened instead would never have happened.
Romans 8:28 - "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Knowing that, what can we take away? Well, let's see... God works for our benefit. He's on our side. We "have been called according to His purpose." He has a plan for us.
So, although waiting can be painful, and I mean PAINFUL, like "stepping on a Lego" painful, God DOES have a plan and He DOES know what He's doing. I've heard it this way... Each person has a faith muscle. When we're young, it's relatively strong. As we get older and form opinions, it gets weaker. We have to exercise our faith muscle daily so A) we don't injure it when we do use it, and B) so it can be strong so when it is time to have lots of faith, it seems easy.
How hard is it to have faith? It can be SUPER tough to have faith. Other times, it can be really easy. But no matter the difficulty it takes to trust God and His plan, at least know that it's the BEST plan for you, whether or not it's different than what you pictured.

Obedience with a Promise

So, I was going to write about the Beatitudes, since we've kind of had a mini-series going, but when I stumbled across this passage, I knew I had to write about it. The passage I'm talking about happens to be in the longest chapter in the bible: Psalm 119. This chapter has over 170 verses, and an incredible amount of blessings, so it's no wonder I would find the blessings of obedience in this chapter. Verses 48-50, specifically, I stumbled across while coloring with the two little boys I watch. I had colored a rainbow and wanted to add a verse to complete the picture. My first thought when I thought of "rainbow" is the promise God had given to Noah after he landed the ark on Mt. Ararat. The rainbow is a symbol of promise, so I decided to hop on blueletterbible.com and keyword "promise." I found numerous verses that contained that word, and a majority were from Psalm 119. But despite the amount of verses I was given, a small group stuck out to me.
Psalm 119:48-50: "I lift up my hands to your commands, which I love, and meditate on your decrees. Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in suffering is this: Your PROMISE preserves my life."
In verse 48, the author praises God and His commands. He "meditates on" the Lord's commands, and he LOVES them. Loving rules, commands, decrees? Being obedient? The author loves being obedient to the commands of God. Wow. I want a faith like that: to be obedient, no matter what God commands, and to not feel like it's an obligation, but a privilege.
Verse 49: "Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope." When I really think about what the author is saying, my first thought is "why is he reminding GOD of what God said? That's silly! God doesn't need reminding!" But then I thought, "what if he's not reminding God, but himself?" He does say that God's word has given him hope. The author must have been going through a pretty rough period of time to need to remind himself of God's promises!
50: "My comfort in suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Here we see again, the author must have been going through a bit of a rough patch in his life. Yet, because of his obedience, we see he knows God will be the Faithful Father and keep His promises.
Now, that's just a small portion of Psalm 119. A lot of Psalm 119 deals with obedience to God and the promises that come with obeying. In all, however, I would say that obedience in faith should not be our obligation - it should be our lifestyle.

The BE ATTITUDES (part 3): Meekness is not Weakness

Matthew 5:5
"Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth."
Meek (adj.): Showing patience and humility; quiet, gentle, and easily imposed on; submissive
Synonyms: gentle - mild - humble - submissive - tame - soft

When you hear the word "meek," what comes to mind? WHO comes to mind? Someone who might be a little more timid? Someone who isn't quite so strong? Someone who seems like kind of a push-over?
Many times we tend to think that, but they can be the most powerful people if you let them. They tend to see things beyond what everyone else does because they take the time to allow God to speak into them, giving them discernment. They observe and take caution when approaching a difficult situation. They wait for the moment where they can take action. Now, some people might look at a meek person and think they can take advantage of them or walk all over them. The meek person doesn't see it that way. They see it as service to a brother or sister in need. They care more about the needs of others than that of themselves! WHOA! I don't know about you, but I don't know many people willing to give up their selfishness in concern of others!
The question now is, how can WE be meek? It's tough to give up what we want and desire. I know that I have a hard time humbly and gracefully setting aside my desires for that of others. The only way to get better at it is to practice it. And don't hold grudges. Some people can be completely rude about it, but we can't let it get to us. That's not being meek. I don't know how many times in a week I look at someone and think "they're just a jerk, because they will do whatever they want to get what they want." Sound familiar? Does someone like that come to your mind? Pretty quickly, I bet! Why is that? It's because WE don't feel it's fair. But God never promised us fair. God promised us the Beatitudes! All of the qualities of the Beatitudes seem unfair! But with each one, there is a BLESSING! How cool!
So, here's the challenge for you, me.. For us. Have patience and grace when humbly giving up your desires for someone else. It's tough, but I think we'll be amazed at how good we feel and how we're treated after. Let me know how you do! ;)

Until next time...

The BE ATTITUDES (part 2): Waiting through the drought

There's something about not having something you desire that drives people insane. Once you try something that's fulfilling, you want to do or have that same thing over and over and over and... You get the point. We do that whether or not what we long for is beneficial or detrimental to us.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
When I hear that, my initial thought is of someone who lost someone and is in a state of grieving. But what about mourning the loss of other things? When about mourning when we're going through a drought? When we're in a spiritual drought, there's something missing in our lives. Whether it be that we're just being held back by our own sin and selfishness, or we need to take a step further in our faith. Whatever the case may be, we lack something we need. We've lost our fervor.
Are you going through a dry spell right now? Do you feel like no matter how hard you try, you're not growing in your faith? Do you think that things should be starting to go well for you, but instead are only getting worse? When we mourn our losses and lose ourselves, then we can experience the Living Water that satiates our thirst for more.
In our college group, we were discussing this passage and the question came up: Why is it that people choose to stay in the desert rather than wait for the rain?
Is it human nature that we push away our need in that way? I say it's because of the life fact: "You don't know what you have until you no longer have it." If we never experience the rain, then we never have a desire for it. We can't get thirsty if we don't know what thirst is.
Back to mourning. When we die to ourselves, when we humble ourselves, when we allow ourselves to no longer be controlled by the world, we mourn. We give up something we enjoy in order to do what will ultimately make our life better. But it's the uncertainty of what's to come that scares us. It's the thought that if we give up all we have, we will lose everything and not get anything back. But God offers blessings and in an abundance. When we die to ourselves, we not only gain a life worth living, but we gain a life eternal, beyond the physical realm. When we submit to the things of the world that only give us momentary satisfaction, we lose a part of ourselves. We have to give up a part of our identity in Christ in order to be identified with the world. But God wants all of you. He wants your ugly AND your pretty bits. He wants the pieces that are broken, and the pieces left whole. He wants to hold you and keep you safe. But when you give yourself over to the world, He can't keep you safe. He has to sit back and watch His child be put in harm. If you happen to be a parent reading this, I'm sure you'll understand the fear and sadness the God gets when He watches His children be put in a place where He can't protect them, and He knows no good can come of it.
Why not give yourself up to Christ, ALL of you, and mourn for what you no longer have. Mourn for Christ who died for you, his blood shed on the cross... For you can be comforted with the knowledge that he did it for you so you can live life with him. Forever.

In the Eyes of the Beholder (part 2)

Our hardships can be a thing of beauty, but without grace, what are they but struggles? When I hear the word grace, I often picture a ballerina. You know, someone with elegance. Someone who, unlike me, is coordinated; someone who doesn't trip going up stairs or miss their chair when they're sitting down. And those characteristics can certainly be a part of grace. But in order for grace to be a thing of beauty THROUGH us, which we'll cover later, we have to talk about what it looks like IN us.
Grace is a curious thing. The very definition of grace is something very pleasing; "elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action." The definition of grace is getting something you don't deserve (in a good way). The compliment of grace is mercy, not getting something you DO deserve.. Usually a punishment. Now, when I was younger and would get in trouble in the car on the way to or from a location, I remember sitting in the back, feeling so guilty. I knew what was coming. And it wouldn't be good. The only thing I could do was pray and hope that by the time we got home my mom forgot. When we got home and she said nothing about it, I was relieved, but still felt guilty. I was shown mercy.
But what's more is grace is getting something wonderful, despite wrongdoings. God showed Abraham AND Isaac grace when they went to Egypt (at different times, mind you) and lied about their wives. God blessed them, even though they caused trouble. God gives us grace, too. We sin, a lot, because we're human. That little lie you told your parents about who you'll be with and where you're going; that answer you got on a test that you got off your neighbor's paper; that failure to stand up for the kid who was getting bullied... We deserve to be punished. In fact, we deserve to DIE. But by God's grace. By God's favor toward us. He loved us SO much that he gave His ONLY son to die for us.
Now, I hope I haven't lost some of you. Especially you who might be saying "but I already know this story!" Just keep reading, I promise it will tie together in the end.
I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure any parent would refuse to give up their child (even if there is one they say that they wouldn't mind handing over.) ;) But that just goes to show how lucky we are to have a Daddy who loved us so much that He would let His son die so we could live. Now that right there, that's grace. And when we acknowledge this grace, we acknowledge a thing of beauty. You remember how we were talking about a coordinated ballerina? Well, that's how I imagine grace. Even when a ballerina falls, she picks herself up with dignity and carries on. Even when we stumble, even when we sin, we can pick ourselves back up and know that God's given us grace. That it doesn't matter what we do- because we're forgiven.
I know that some of you are thinking, "This doesn't apply to me. I'm already a Christian..." So I ask you this: How many times do you acknowledge your sin? How many times do you acknowledge your salvation? Because I certainly know "Christians" (and sometimes even myself!) who go and do whatever without care. What if we started ACTING like we're saved, rather than just SAYING we're saved?
And what does that look like? Through loving one another (even our enemies and those people who are harder to love than others. And I know you know what I'm talking about; we've all got someone like that.) What about by showing grace and mercy to others? Or even just smiling at that person who might be having a rough day? My challenge for you is to find ways where you're living out your grace, rather than just keeping it for yourself.

In the Eyes of the Beholder (part 1)

I find today's blog entry a little harder to write than most. In fact, I've come up with three of four different introductions, am struggling to find a catchy title, summarizing an eternity of things I could say, and really don't enjoy discussing a topic I struggle with so much. In fact, I'm reading a very convicting book on it right now. It's called "Redefining Beautiful" (by Jenna Lucado Bishop, who is an incredible woman of God, by the way). I bet you can probably guess what's been laid on my heart to talk about... Beauty. It really is a tough subject to address, since when it's addressed in magazines, it just tells you how you have to look. It gives you unrealistic, unattainable attributes to attempt to morph your body into. It tells you that in order to fit in, in order to be defined as beautiful, you have to meet certain standards. You have to dress a certain way, be a certain size, wear your hair a certain way. Honestly, I could go on forever talking on this one subject alone, and one blog post would certainly not be enough to cover this topic (see: part 1). However, I hope to hit a few main points and address things of some importance and maybe hitting home for you. Now, we all know how society defines beautiful. But how should WE define beautiful? How does God define beautiful?
Well, that question is not too terribly difficult to answer. The Bible tells us that God created man in His image (Genesis 1:26-27). God is perfect, right? So, that means He must be beautiful, right? Correct. God made us in His image, so that makes us beautiful, too! "But, we don't all look the same." I know, but God made you YOU. God made each and every person so intricately and unique that there will never be another person EVER who looks just like you, who acts just like you. People often use the phrase "God broke the mold when He made you." Don't take it as the insult it's often used as. It's true. I imagine God, after he creates us, he takes the mold he used, and smashes it, so it can never be used again. Psalm 139:14- "I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful; I know that full well." To me, that verse says, God took the time to piece every last bit of my being together. Who takes the time working on a project they aren't proud of, that they don't want perfection on, that they don't want to look the best it can possibly be?
The Bible even tells us that our BURDENS, yes, our HARDSHIPS, are beautiful! I don't know about you, but when I'm struggling with something, I don't think it's very beautiful. Ecclesiastes 3 has a lot to say about hardships. "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end (vs. 11)." The verse right before that says "I have seen the burden God has laid on men." Our hardships become beautiful. Now, there are quite a few analogies I could use for this one... One being the process of making pure gold. In order to make the purest of pure gold, a refiner takes the pot of gold and sticks it over the fire. When the pot gets hot enough, all the impurities in the gold surface and the refiner scrapes it off. But he's not done. He continues this process until every last impurity is out of the gold. Or how about a diamond? It takes LOTS of heat and TONS of tons of pressure on this cold, black rock used to cook food over a barbeque. But the end result is this incredibly beautiful, one of a kind gem. What about a pearl? A pear starts off as a piece of dirt. It gets swallowed up by an oyster, and the oyster gets irritated by the seemingly insignificant speck. The dirt gets spit on- the mucus of the oyster. But in the end, it becomes this soft, beautiful, rare item that people pay thousands of dollars to get. All those things are things of beauty, of value, of worth. But they didn't start out that way. Our trials are what make us beautiful.