The Definition of a Number

Numbers. In some way or another, they're in control of our lives. Our money. Our age. Our weight. Our time. Numbers wake us up in the morning when our alarms buzz with a strategic amount of time to get ready for our schedules. Numbers wait for us when we get home as our dinner goes in the oven set at a predetermined temperature for a calculated duration. They sing us to sleep as we lay our heads on our pillows knowing that in a particular number of hours, the cycle will begin again.

I've lived my entire life dependent on numbers. My age, my GPA, being number two of four kids. Some numbers never change. Others never achieve consistency. Growing up, those numbers were based on visitation or the amount of days until I was another year older. Now, being a college student, numbers can determine my future - financial aid, credits, grades, practicum hours. Along with attending school, I work in a book store. Anyone who works in retail knows the numbers are most important - discounts, balanced tills, sales, conversion rate - no matter what sort of items are being sold. Numbers aren't always accurate, nor are they always fair judgement of work ethic or quality.

A couple walks into a store. Both of them are counted in the conversion rate. Together, they make one purchase.

What is your conversion rate? 50%. A failing grade. Does that mean the employees haven't done everything required of them (and more)? No. Yet, retailers seem to think there's something wrong with that store, or those associates. They define the store based on one number - one set of data - that isn't completely accurate.

 She sits, sorting through her clothes as she cleans out her closet. Wanting to donate them to those in need, she begins separating everything into piles based on size. Her 120 pound frame looks in the mirror and wonders how it still manages to perfectly into the size 10 jeans that lay in a pile off to the side.

A 95 year old man still loves riding roller coasters.

Bill Gates, the richest man in Washington state, has millions and billions invested in charities.

A busy mom only gets an hour to herself when her kids take a nap. It's the only time her newborn will sleep for more than 30 minutes. 

A girl with 153 IQ gets a 3.5 in high school - because what she's been through has prevented her from reaching her full potential.

Numbers. They define our lives, but only because we let them. They're contradictory. They can influence or manipulate,  relieve or incite. Numbers are meant to show the worth, the importance, of something. Why do we let that something become US? Who we are is not a number. Or, it shouldn't be. But every part of our being wants to make our understanding tangible. It wants to see a limit on our souls - what is our value? How good are we? "On a scale of 1-10..." We get on a scale and see a number. The higher the number, the lower our value. But it's the complete opposite with material possessions - the higher the number, the greater the value.

So, how do we stop focusing on a quantification? This very qualification is what's destroying relationships. It's destroying team work, respect, self-confidence. This quantification is doing nothing to increase any sense of being, but reducing quality of person. I'll admit, I've fallen prey to the sociological ideal that beauty is a number, that success is a number. I want to get away. I'm learning how, building strength for when my mind stops being logical and my heart starts seeing worth for quality - the quality of being a living, breathing, heart beating, imperfect human.

The Things They Told Me

 A response to: http://www.upworthy.com/theres-an-ugly-way-some-parents-deal-with-their-kids-in-private-that-should-be-exposed-in-public?c=ufb1 (See video below)

They told me at 5 I would get to start Kindergarten
They told me at 6 they knew I was special.
They told me at 7 that I was too smart for my own good.
They told me at 8 they were getting divorced.
They told me at 9 I couldn't protect myself anymore because someone might get hurt.
They told me at 10 that I was a liar. 
They told me at 11 if I lost weight I would be cuter.
They told me at 12 they bullied me to protect me.
They told me at 13 they didn't want me anymore.
They told me at 14 it was my fault.
They told me at 15 to get over it.
They told me at 16 I would be a high school drop out and single mother.
They told me at 17 that character didn't matter.
They told me at 18 I wasn't good enough for them.
They told me at 19, "all you have to do is reach out to us."
They told me at 20 they were better than me.
They tell me at 21 they wonder why I feel the way I do.
I tell them nothing, because they've told me I wasn't worth their time.

 

(Part 2) - The Things HE Tells Me

He told me at 5 He knew my future.
He told me at 6 He made me unique.
He told me at 7 to be myself.
He told me at 8 I was a part of His family.
He told me at 9 He would protect me.
He told me at 10 He knew the truth.
He told me at 11 I was beautiful how I was.
He told me at 12 He would never hurt me.
He told me at 13 I would always be wanted.
He told me at 14 I was innocent.
He told me at 15 to forgive so I could move on.
He told me at 16 I would have big dreams.
He told me at 17 that even when no one was watching, I made Him happy.
He told me at 18 He'd made me enough.
He told me at 19 to hold on as I reached for His hand.
He told me at 20 I was set apart for a purpose.
He tells me at 21 He understands what I've been through, because He's experienced the same.
I tell Him my all, because I've been made His everything.