Running For [Your] Life

I love my church. I really do! It's a place I feel I have people I can go to if I need advice, prayer, even a good laugh. It's the same place that's been there from the beginning of my story and been a refuge. It's a place I've run to - emotionally - when I needed some extra help. My church has been a huge part of my story and I have many memories tied to it's comfort.

This Sunday, the pastor made mention of something that triggered a memory of mine to hold me captive. You could call it a flashback if you'd like, but it didn't hold me hostage. Yes, there's a difference. When was a time in your life that you felt like you had to "run for your life," in one way or another? Some people might have memories of running to avoid getting in trouble with the cops, their parents, teachers, etc. My story is (quite a bit) different.

I ran in fear attempting to get away from my fear. I had an understanding and when I saw my fear coming toward me, I could only run. I wasn't strong enough to face it alone, if at all. Other people got involved and my situation remained unresolved. Eventually, I was put in a circumstance where I had to become strong enough to face it alone, even when it was magnified. I went from running for my life to fighting for my life. And I had to do it by myself.

If I hadn't been where I was and gotten to where I am when my memory held on to me, if either one of those had been different, I probably wouldn't have escaped it unscathed. It held on to me, took me captive, but I wasn't a slave to it. God has built up a network around me who understands, comforts, and can give me advice - even if it's tough love - when I need support.

I don't ask for help often. When I do, it's usually because I've done everything else and it's my last option. I don't enjoy it. I don't like it. And my ability to ask for help only when I've run out of means is progress from where I was of not asking for any help. Ever. But these people and this place... It's comfortable. No, not comfortable, just less uncomfortable with that discomfort being absolved by their comfort. That sounds really weird, but I have a point...

...The point is, when you stop running from pain, fear, discomfort, and run to Christ, HE will provide you with safety, healing, and comfort. The end.
Kidding. Sort of.
The Psalms are riddled with chapters that feel like MY story: a distraught heart, crying out for help. And help comes. Resolution is had. And even though we don't live happily ever after here on Earth, we have that hope in Heaven. Even the best days come with challenges, but if we take a moment to ask, stop running from the fear, allow ourselves to feel the discomfort, we can still sing.

Psalm 13 (my personal favorite - hence, its inclusion here as opposed to any of the other 149 chapters):

"For the director of music. A psalm of David.

¹ How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
² How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

³ Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
⁴ and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶ I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me."

Grace That Transcends Understanding

Sometimes, I catch myself asking, "if God is so good, why did He let [this] happen?" Sound familiar? I've been mentally "pre-processing" Father's day this year. It's going to be a tough one after losing my grandfather last August and not otherwise having a constant father figure. But this Sunday, I got an answer, or, in the very least, perspective.

My church has been going through a series called "BC: Stories From the Thick Part of Your Bible." We've been taking and pulling apart various stories from the old testament and relating them to our lives today. Moses and the Red Sea - I've heard that story dozens of times growing up and dozens more as a teacher in Sunday school, but never had I heard it quite like I did. You see, Moses was only a willing vessel. He wasn't anyone terribly special. In fact, he was an outcast, a murderer, and a stutterer. But God used him. You see, Moses didn't part the Red Sea - God did. And this story has a pretty happy ending, but it took trusting God to get them to the other side of the water.

For those who don't know the details of the story, Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt after the ten plagues. It took TEN hardships for Pharaoh to let his slaves go free. But he changed his mind after God's people had left, so he led an army after the Israelites to capture them and oppress them once more. God wasn't about to let that happen, so He put a pillar of smoke to guide His people during the day, and a pillar of fire by night. The Israelites thought they were free. That is, until they saw Pharaoh's army catching up to them. They were terrified. They may not have been slaves to Pharaoh bound by work, but they were slaves to Pharaoh bound by fear.

We all have things in our life that have shaped who we've become. We have fears and questions that bind us to where we used to be or where we might be right now. God has provided a way to free us. God showed His grace to the Israelites when He parted the Red Sea. Can you imagine?! Walking between these walls of water, eye to eye with whatever creatures may be dwelling in the dark, afraid they might crash down on you - what faith! They had to trust that going through this dark and scary place, already in fear of the people chasing them, God would keep them safe.

Sometimes, God allows us to struggle, to feel pain, to be afraid because He is showing us grace. I know that sounds kind of paradoxical, but trust me here. I struggled with this, too. I asked Him, "God, why did you allow my father to abandon me, instead of protecting me? Wouldn't it have been better for me to have a dad than to feel completely rejected?" This was His answer:

"My daughter, you and I both know it was for the better. I had great plans for you and being a part of that place, you would have never been in the position I needed you to be in for my plan to be fulfilled. You were made for that kind of greatness. Beloved, I call you my child - you have a father in me. I won't ever leave you and will love you always. You felt alone and scared and hurt. But I was there. You were protected - worse things could have happened, but I didn't let them. By my grace you were freed. I know it stings, Dear One, but what could have come would have hurt far more."

You see, I liken it to going to the doctor after you've cut yourself. In cleaning your wound, they may use rubbing alcohol. That stuff HURTS when you pour it on a cut (or abrasion or the like). But it makes the injury better. It prevents deeper hurt. You allow the doctor to increase the pain for a moment because you know it will make your hurt better. And that's God's grace.

I don't always understand why I hurt and I often wonder why I had to hurt in the first place, but if I can remind myself it's God's grace preventing a worse struggle, it brings a bit of comfort to the pain.  God never abandoned the Israelites. God never intentionally hurt the Israelites. In fact, God knew His people would see pain, and because He knew this, He provided an alternative. He allowed them to feel the lesser pain of life than the greater pain of death. God allowed me to see a lesser pain of abandonment than whatever the greater pain may have been. It's hard to accept, but knowing His grace has gotten me this far means more than any answer to the question, "why?"