The Irony of a Day Like Today...

As I was writing this as my status, I saw an opportunity to expand and share:
"When I feel like I struggle to believe how much my Abba Daddy loves me, situations happen like today - where someone might look and go "man, that sucks!" I look and go "I am so blessed, because that could've gone so many other ways..." Safe, protected, provided for... And we even made it to church on time. :) And that, my friends, is how I know that God was there in CT. That is how I know that in those times where life sucks and isn't going the way we think it should go... When troubles seem almost overwhelming... That's how I know that I can take a step back and go "I am blessed. I am loved." Because if I wasn't, I'm not sure my burden would have been quite so light. My God is not just a good God... He's a GREAT God!"

On my way to church at 8:30am, I was driving down a very icy road. As I went to turn at a green light, I wound up sliding right through, and since I had started turning, I had to correct myself. (probably) Over-correcting, my car swerved and turned until it jumped on the curb and slid off, doing a 180, finding myself facing traffic. I put on my blinkers and got out to look at the damage. A flat tire? Car still running? No other physical damage? "Awesome," I thought, "I'll just get it down the road and change the tire." A guy pulled up with his teenage kids and asked if we needed help. When we got it off the road to a parking lot, we got the spare out and put it on. It wound up that the spare was also flat. Not wanting me to wind up driving on my rim from losing my spare, the family offered to drive me and my friend to church a couple minutes away. As we thanked the family, we got to church just as it was starting. I walked in and felt so overcome by what had just happened, I broke down.

Now, yesterday I wrote a blog post about some things I struggle with... Believing people cared about me, struggling with knowing and accepting just how much God loves me... Today, I can say I know just how much God loves me and that people DO care. I serve an awesome God...

Potential situations that could have (and maybe should have) happened:
1) The light could've been red.
2) There could have been traffic around or behind me that could not have stopped.
3) I could have wound up in on-coming traffic.
4) I could have torn my bumper off (or any other number of car-related damage) from jumping the curb.
5) It could've been two tires.
6) No one could've stopped.
7) I could've rolled the car.
8) I could have run into the fence surrounding the yard where I went up on the sidewalk.

With the potentials in mind, I realized just how good my situation turned out. As I cried with thanks, I realized what it might have been like for the parents in CT... Waiting to see their kids. Finding them and being thankful, because other parents didn't turn out so lucky. I know my God was in CT, because the situation ended. Because there wasn't a second shooter at a second school. Because there wasn't a second shooter at that school in a different area. Because Victoria Soto hid her kids and sacrificed herself to protect them to avoid even more loss.

I know that God never gives us more than we can handle. I'm so certain - because as I slid and tried to turn on an icy sheet of a road, I felt a peace. I was willing to go wherever my car led me, even if it meant to the next street to turn. When my life doesn't go as I plan, do I fight it? Or do I wait for the next turn? I could handle slipping and sliding around on the road. I could handle changing a flat tire. But could I have handled greater damage? Could I have handled injury? Maybe not so much.

I know I serve a great God because of the trials we go through. If it weren't for the potentials, how would we know how safe we really are?

My Greatest Struggle

So, I haven't written anything in a while... Every time I sit down to write something, nothing comes to me. I'll write something, then decide I don't want to say it, so here it is...
I struggle with writing blog posts because I don't know how much of myself to reveal. I struggle with knowing what information is safe with which people, particularly because there are people in my life I can't trust to keep something private. I struggle with vulnerability because in previous moments of letting my guard down, I've gotten deeply hurt.
I struggle with being me, because I fear that if I'm me, people won't like me. I struggle with sharing me because I'm afraid people will leave me behind more broken than before.
I struggle with allowing myself to really feel what I'm going through and feeling. I struggle with accepting compliments because I don't feel deserving.
I struggle to accept the reality of what I've been through because I don't want to believe it happened. I struggle to think people care about my situation and my story, because "if they did, they'd ask about it."
But, I also struggle with reminding myself that I'm not the only one who goes through this. That I'm not alone. That my Abba Daddy loves me... And that is my greatest struggle.