"You have too many Simon Cowels in your personal judging panel."

It's a harsh truth. I know I'm my own worst critic. I just never realized quite what it all meant.

The other day after one of my classes, I had the worst anger. It was triggered by my own deficiency, but catalyzed by having light publicly shed on my disappointment. I had a bit of time before I had elsewhere to be and I knew I needed to calm down somehow or the rest of my day would fall apart. I walked into my teacher's office and asked if I could just sit. Most of what I was feeling was a struggle with my worth. I didn't realize how angry I was with myself until I sat down to let myself feel through it. I was hurt. My teacher continued to work as I sat there and simply thought about why and what I was feeling. Eventually, I had processed enough to want to talk about it.

Now, I've talked with this teacher about several things before. This particular topic has been no exception. We've discussed my insecurity, its source, and questioned why it exists. We've talked about everything from accepting "failure" to discerning my own value. Having someone completely honest who sees from an outside perspective is golden - if you don't have someone to do that for you, you need one. Or multiple. What I love about this teacher is the fact that she isn't afraid to tell me what I need to hear versus what I may be wanting to hear. She simply looked at me and told me, "You tend to be your own worst critic. But there only needs to be one Simon Cowel." Truth sometimes hurts. I have spent so much time focusing on what needs to be fixed that I don't have a voice that tells me what I do well.

So what about you? How many Simons do YOU have? I can guarantee you that if you're feeling a sting from that soul punch, you probably have one too many. Here's another question: from what or whom do you evaluate your worth? My answer came in the form of a circumstance - "this happened so this is my worth..." and "if this were different..." But let me tell you, if I continue to base my worth off what happened to me and how my life could've been different, my energy will be wasted. My situation may never change. So, what now?

Naturally, I started thinking about "what value do other people see in me? Why am I valuable to them? Why do they care about me?" I began evaluating my worth based on how I think others view me. I know what you're thinking. "RACHEL! Stop that! Don't look to others to determine your value!!!" Truth be told, it has actually turned out to be beneficial. I analyze the people who care to be around me, who I laugh with, spend time with, who love me and I think, "why?" There is no reason. It's quite perplexing to me. I grew up with conditional love. You have to be a certain way, do and have certain things in order to be accepted and important. And maybe I was just in the wrong place. Because now, I look at my life and the people who want me in theirs and they don't care what I can and can't do. They don't care what I do and don't have. They see me as valuable because I exist. I understand a lot of things; I've been told I'm pretty smart, but I can't seem to grasp this concept quite yet. People love me because I'm alive and human. Why can't I love me for the same reason?

Why is it so difficult to love myself when it seems so easy to love others? Is it because I know my flaws and other people don't see them? Or because I care about my flaws and other people don't? Am I the only one who asks these questions? Do people even see my flaws? People don't love me because I'm not flawed. People love me in spite of my flaws. And if other people can do that, then maybe I should, too.

Learning to love myself will be a journey. And I hope that you'll all stick with me for this journey. And maybe you need to join me on this adventure, I don't know. But we really all need each other in order to make it where we want to be.We can't do life alone. We weren't made for it. We have to support each other; it's the only way we'll be able to withstand the flames of life.

Tell me your story. Come along with me. Give some advice. Love people despite their shortcomings.
Until next time.
Love, me.